03_bauchgefuehl_vertrauenI am a 16-year-old girl and I have a fixed group of male and female friends. We spend a lot of time together. One of the boys always comes very close to me. I don’t want him to. How can I tell him? We’re friends!

First we’d like to say that your feelings are important!
Nobody is allowed to come near you if you don’t like it.
But sometimes it’s difficult to say “no”.
Maybe because you like the person.
Maybe because the others in your group like the person.
Maybe he hasn’t noticed that you find it uncomfortable.
You can say to him:
You’re coming too close to me.
Can you please stop?
I don’t like it.
He must respect that.

You can also look for help.
Perhaps a male or female friend could be there when you talk to him.
If he doesn’t accept your “no”, look for help from adults you trust.
Or go to an advice centre.
Here are some advice centres: https://www.hilfeportal-missbrauch.de/nc/adressen/hilfe-in-ihrer-naehe/kartensuche.html?tx_nxshelpdesk_helpdesk%5binstitutionType%5d=21

I am a 15-year-old girl and there is an older boy who lives in my neighbourhood and often takes the tram at the same time as me. He looks at me. I’m afraid of him. The others say I should be rational.

We can’t say whether you are right.
Sometimes this kind of feeling is right.
Sometimes this kind of feeling is wrong.
But the feeling itself is still important.
Think about what you can do to make yourself feel safer.

Maybe you could ask him why he looks at you.
You could say:
What do you want from me?
I find it uncomfortable when you look at me. I don’t want you to!
Maybe he will tell you what he wants or he will stop.

You can also say to your parents or guardian:
I’m afraid of this boy.
He’s looking at me.
What should I do?
Think carefully about what is right for you…
Has the boy also become really nasty to you?
Then definitely tell someone who can help you.

I am a 16-year-old girl and I am friends with our carer. I sometimes go swimming alone with her. The other carers think that this is not good and they want to ban it. Why is that?

Your carer has a job.
In that job she looks after girls and boys in a group.
She is supposed to look after all the young people.

A friendship with you may mean that:
She knows you particularly well.
Or she likes you more than the others.
That may cause unrest within the group.
Someone might think
that the carer is being unfair to the other young people.

A friendship should also be equal.
But your carer can make decisions for you.
That means that you are not equal.
In Germany that kind of friendship is “unprofessional”.

That means
that your carer should keep her job and her private life separate.

My sister is a total bitch (16, boy). And I tell her so. Now she has told our guardian. He finds my language ‘sexist’. He’s mad, right?

The translation of bitch is a ‘female dog on heat’.
Unfortunately, this expression is sometimes also used for girls.
People often use it to say that a girl has too many boyfriends.
Or that a girl has already had sex.
It is a very offensive word for girls.
Your guardian is right. Words like this are sexist.
There are lots of other harmful words for girls.
Boys can also be hurt by works.
For example, with words such as ‘wimp’.

It does not matter which expression is used.
If it harms the other person it is not right.
It is good to talk to people directly.
It is not good to hurt them with expressions.
So you should apologise.

If you think your sister’s behaviour is not nice then talk to her.
It is important to show respect towards each other.
This includes the language you use: it shows that you respect somebody.

A boy in my class said: “girls always say no to sex at first even though they want sex. They want to be convinced.” Is that true?

There are lots of sayings like this one.
For example: “boys always have to take the first step”.
Or: “girls don’t know what they want”.
This is often not true.
Sometimes girls think: I shouldn’t say yes straight away.
Otherwise the boy might think I’m easy.
Regardless of the reason: the girl says no first.
She doesn’t quite trust you enough yet.

The situation may also be unclear with flirting.
It is not always easy to understand if somebody means ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
This is all part of flirting and it can be exciting.
It is important that you pay attention.
Otherwise you might hurt the other person.

This is why you must always respect a NO.
Nobody should be convinced to have sex.
Girls AND boys both want to be taken seriously.
If you aren’t sure: just ask.
Lots of girls really like this!
You can find more information here: http://www.echt-krass.info/trial_error.html

My former guardian (22) and I (16, boy) are in love. My friends say: this is forbidden. Is that true? She now works in a different establishment.

What your friends say is only partly true.
It is never forbidden to be in love.
However, it is different where physical contact is concerned.
A guardian may not have sex with your or kiss you.
You are their ‘ward’ and you are dependent on them.
The person protecting you may not have sex with you.
Even if you want to.
It is forbidden.

It is different when she is no longer your guardian.
Then it is not legally forbidden.
What’s important is:
You must both want a relationship.
You must both want bodily contact.
If you both really want the same thing then it’s OK.
However, sometimes it’s difficult to know if you want to.
Sometimes you want to make somebody happy.
Then you do things you don’t really want to.
It can be hard to tell the difference.
Maybe you can talk to somebody about it and get some advice.

My godfather gave me (13) a smartphone. He wants to hug and kiss me when he says goodbye. Is it rude to say that I don’t like it?

You were probably thrilled to get a smartphone.
You probably thanked him for the gift.

A gift does not commit you to anything else.
A gift should make the other person happy.
Your godfather will be pleased if you show how happy you are.

Sometimes you might not be happy about a gift.
Perhaps you don’t need it or it’s not right or you don’t like it.
However you should still say thank you.
You know that the other person meant well.

Hugging and kissing has nothing to do with the gift.
It’s right to say that you don’t like it.

Say something like: I like you.
But I don’t like hugging and kissing.
Please understand that. It’s important to me.

Your godfather should understand and respect that.
If not, get help from another adult.

An acquaintance told me he loves me. But I don’t love him. How should I behave?

He may feel sad.

And you might think it’s a pity.

Maybe you are even friends.

But you are allowed to be honest.

You are allowed to clearly say:

“I don’t love you.”

 

Sometimes feelings change.

Maybe you used to be in love.

But you are no longer in love.

That is also ok!

 

You do not have to do anything that you do not want to do any more.

Maybe your acquaintance is sad or angry.

But he must take what you say into account.

He must accept that your feelings have changed.

Feelings cannot be forced.