Welcome to www.refu-tips.de

This website is designed for underage girls and boys.

But you should be at least 13 years old.

We will have new information for you regularly.

So visit our website often.

 

You would like to feel at home in Germany.

So you need to know the rules.

And you need to learn a few things.

We want to help you do this.

 

Maybe we are too direct for you.

Maybe you find something embarrassing.

Something we write.

We do not mean to cause any harm.

We apologise in advance.

But it is important that you also know about embarrassing subjects.

 

You should feel comfortable and safe in Germany.

We want to help you feel that way.

There are special rights for children here in Germany. What does that mean?

UN human rights apply almost everywhere in the world.
They state: all people are equally valuable and important.
Therefore, the state must treat all people equally.

Human rights also apply to children.
However, children need even more rights.
To achieve this there is the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
All children must be treated equally well.
All children must be protected.
All children must be encouraged.
Your opinion is important and should be heard.
These are the children’s rights.

Children’s rights apply worldwide in almost every country.
They apply to all children from birth until they are 18 years old.
Adults are responsible for giving children these rights.
Children’s rights are very important in Germany.
Girls have the same rights as boys.
All people in Germany should pay attention to children’s rights.
What rights do you have as a child or young person?
We will explain that in another article.

I am 16 and I told my friends I am gay. Now lots of boys don’t want to be my friend anymore. Some of them are really mean. What should I do?

Telling your friends about it is called ‘coming out’.
That was good and very brave!
Many young people are scared about coming out.
They are afraid they will be rejected by their parents or friends.
Unfortunately, this really is the case sometimes.
There are still judgemental people.
This is very sad for you and disappointing.
However, there are lots of open-minded people – you just have to find them.

There are lots of boys who fall in love with boys!
It is often good if you can talk to other gay boys.
You can find a youth group near you here:
https://diversity-muenchen.de/
You will find understanding people there.
You can find new friends there.
Because you are OK just as you are!
There may be somebody in your school who can help you.
You can also find help at an advice centre:
https://diversity-muenchen.de/beratung-aufklaerung/beratung-hilfe/beratung-bis-27-jahre/
beratung@gladt.de: you can get advice here in the following languages: German, Arabic, Turkish, English, French and Kurdish. Further languages are available upon request!

My cousin is 15 years old and married. She recently came to Germany with her husband (25 years old). The marriage is not accepted here. Why not?

Your cousin married abroad.
In Germany, marriage is only permitted after your 18th birthday.
When both parties are 18 years old.
Sometimes a marriage is permitted when one of the partners is only 16 or 17 years old.
This is decided by the family court.
An application must be made before the marriage.

If somebody is younger than 16 years old they may not be married in Germany.
Therefore, a marriage concluded abroad is not recognised here.
The reason for this is that people must be mature enough for a marriage.

In Germany the state must protect children and young people.
The state must be sure that young people marry voluntarily.
This means: nobody forces or convinces somebody to marry (for example, the family).
They must have decided for themselves.
This is the reason why the marriage age is determined in this way.

A boy in my class said: “girls always say no to sex at first even though they want sex. They want to be convinced.” Is that true?

There are lots of sayings like this one.
For example: “boys always have to take the first step”.
Or: “girls don’t know what they want”.
This is often not true.
Sometimes girls think: I shouldn’t say yes straight away.
Otherwise the boy might think I’m easy.
Regardless of the reason: the girl says no first.
She doesn’t quite trust you enough yet.

The situation may also be unclear with flirting.
It is not always easy to understand if somebody means ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
This is all part of flirting and it can be exciting.
It is important that you pay attention.
Otherwise you might hurt the other person.

This is why you must always respect a NO.
Nobody should be convinced to have sex.
Girls AND boys both want to be taken seriously.
If you aren’t sure: just ask.
Lots of girls really like this!
You can find more information here: http://www.echt-krass.info/trial_error.html

My former guardian (22) and I (16, boy) are in love. My friends say: this is forbidden. Is that true? She now works in a different establishment.

What your friends say is only partly true.
It is never forbidden to be in love.
However, it is different where physical contact is concerned.
A guardian may not have sex with your or kiss you.
You are their ‘ward’ and you are dependent on them.
The person protecting you may not have sex with you.
Even if you want to.
It is forbidden.

It is different when she is no longer your guardian.
Then it is not legally forbidden.
What’s important is:
You must both want a relationship.
You must both want bodily contact.
If you both really want the same thing then it’s OK.
However, sometimes it’s difficult to know if you want to.
Sometimes you want to make somebody happy.
Then you do things you don’t really want to.
It can be hard to tell the difference.
Maybe you can talk to somebody about it and get some advice.

I (14 year old) had my period last week. I used a tampon and I suddenly started bleeding heavily. I am afraid I may have damaged my hymen. What can I do now?

You don’t need to be afraid.
The flow of your period is different sometimes.
That may be why you bled heavily.

Do you know what a hymen looks like?
Let me explain:
Many believe it is skin grown over the vagina.
But this is wrong: the hymen is just a fold.
The fold is around the entrance to the vagina.
This fold always looks different:
Sometimes it is very small and you can hardly see it.
Sometimes it is larger and there is only a small entrance.

What’s important is: that every girl’s hymen looks different.
Only about half of all girls bleed when they have sex for the first time.
You cannot tell by looking if a girl has had sex.
So you don’t need to worry at all.
If you would like more advice you can visit a gynaecologist or a ProFamilia office (https://www.profamilia.de/)
You can find out what happens there in this question: All my girlfriends at school have already visited the gynaecologist. Do I (14) also need to go? What happens?

All my girlfriends at school have already visited the gynaecologist. Do I (14) also need to go? What happens?

You should visit the gynaecologist if you:

  • Have questions about sexuality and your body.
  • Need a contraceptive.
  • Are pregnant.
  • Have pains in your lower abdomen or when you have your period.
  • Would like to terminate a pregnancy.

A gynaecologist will talk to you first.
She wants to know how you want her to help you.
Then you decide together whether to have an examination.
Then you need to get undressed.
If you are wearing a skirt you only take off your underwear.
Then the doctor examines your ‘vagina’.
That means: she uses a speculum to look into your vagina.
A speculum is a small, metal tube.
It is pushed a little way into your vagina so that the doctor can look inside.

This examination is not always necessary.
You can decide if it should be done.
The doctor will see if you are still a virgin.
The hymen is not usually damaged.
You can watch a doctor explaining what happens here: https://gutzuwissenfilm.wordpress.com/ (video in German, Turkish, Farsi, Arabic and English)

I am in love with someone but they don’t know. I would like to talk to the person and get to know them. How can I approach the person?

You think somebody is pretty, nice or great.
You are in love.
Now you have to get to know them.
Only then will you know if they are right for you.
And whether or not he or she also likes you.
 
It is important to be polite when approaching somebody.
To make it a bit easier, here are a few tips about flirting:

  1. Make contact when you are in a good mood.
  2. Wear something nice but comfortable so you feel good.
  3. Stand close to the person but keep enough distance.
  4. Look at the person and make eye contact.
  5. Say: “I would like to get to know you better. Is that OK?”
  6. If it is then ask the person something. Questions about their favourite music or hobbies.
  7. Show interest in the person.
  8. Pay them a compliment. Tell them what you find so great about them.
  9. The first compliment should not be about their body.
  10. Tell them, for example, that you think they have good taste in music or like the way they talk.
  11. You will be sure to notice if the person likes you as well.

It takes a lot of courage to approach somebody.
Sometimes you talk to another person and they have no interest.
This is of course sad for you.
Nonetheless, it’s better to know.

I (15 year old boy) have a German girlfriend. We often have very different opinions: she dresses provocatively. She often does things without me. I don’t like that. Are all German girls like this?

Not all German girls are the same.
However, the following is very important for many girls and women:
They want to live just as freely as boys and men.
This means: they want to have equal rights.

However, that does not mean that they want a different partner.
It is about self-determination for girls.
They want to decide for themselves, for example:
They want to wear whatever clothes they like.
They want to meet up with girlfriends, even unaccompanied.
Some also want to be friends with boys.
However, this has nothing to do with your relationship.
Your girlfriend likes you very much.
But she also wants to continue meeting other people, girls and boys.

Every girl is different.
Talk to your girlfriend about how you feel.
Tell each other what you want.
Then you can understand each other more.

I (15) am not allowed to smoke in Germany. Why not? What is the Jugendschutzgesetz (youth protection act)?

The youth protection act is intended to protect children and young people from harm.
It applies in particular in public, meaning outside your home.
Adults may not allow children and young people to do some things here.
If they do, the adult can be given a penalty.

The law differentiates between children and young people.

What is forbidden for you?
You may not be in restaurants or pubs after 11 pm.
You may not play gambling games for money.
You may not drink alcohol and you may not smoke.
You may not buy or rent films which are not ‘approved’.

Each film is assigned an age rating. If you are younger than this rating you may not watch the film.
This is on the packaging.
These rules also apply to games consoles, computer and mobile phone games.

Take a look here to find out more:
https://www.rosenheim.de/fileadmin/Dateien/Jugendamt/Jugendschutztabelle_01.pdf
For adults: you can order the law in different languages for young people here:
http://www.drei-w-verlag.de/shop/shop/juschg-tabelle-in-6-sprachen.html