March 2016 - Tips for refugees

I would like a German girlfriend. What should I do?

How do you get to know girls in Germany?

At school, playing sports, in clubs and discos and at parties.

Friends introduce you.

Girls and boys want to have fun.

They might dress differently to what you are familiar with.

That is ok here.

It does not mean they are bad.

They deserve respect.

Even if they wear revealing clothes, they still don’t want to be touched.

They want to talk to you a lot.

Most boys and girls are cautious with each other.

They see whether they get on.

Then they fall in love.

They only kiss when both of them want to.

I am in love with a girl. I would really like to have a relationship with her. What should I do?

Being in love is nice.

You want to spend a lot of time with her.

You want to tell her that you like her.

And that is good and ok!

But sometimes you think it’s going very slowly.

Maybe she likes you.

Maybe she isn’t sure.

Maybe she doesn’t love you.

The wishes of the other person are very important.

You are always allowed to say what you want.

You are allowed to express your feelings.

Ask the girl what she wants.

She is also allowed to say what she feels and what she wants.

You are not allowed to touch or kiss her if she doesn’t want to.

But she is also not allowed to touch or kiss you if you don’t want to.

An acquaintance told me he loves me. But I don’t love him. How should I behave?

He may feel sad.

And you might think it’s a pity.

Maybe you are even friends.

But you are allowed to be honest.

You are allowed to clearly say:

“I don’t love you.”

Sometimes feelings change.

Maybe you used to be in love.

But you are no longer in love.

That is also ok!

You do not have to do anything that you do not want to do any more.

Maybe your acquaintance is sad or angry.

But he must take what you say into account.

He must accept that your feelings have changed.

Feelings cannot be forced.

At what age am I allowed to have sex?

There are two main things to consider:
Your age and your relationship to the person you are having sex with.
This table shows the ages at which sex is permitted and prohibited:

Age	0-13	14-15	16-17	18-20	21+
0-13	NO	NO	NO	NO	NO
14-15	NO	YES	YES	YES	NO
16-17	NO	YES	YES	YES	YES
18-20	NO	YES	YES	YES	YES
21+	NO	NO	YES	YES	YES

Both people must want to have sex.
If one person doesn’t want to have sex, sex is prohibited.
Nobody is allowed to force you to have sex.

Do you live in a residential home?

You are not allowed to have sex under the age of 16.

Sex is prohibited between the following people:

Parents and children
Step parents and children
Male or female teachers with male or female pupils
Male or female carers with young people in a residential home or youth facility
On a training course, at work or on an internship, your male or female tutor is not allowed to have sex with you.
If you are living in a family as a foster child, your foster parents are not allowed to have sex with you.
Your legal guardian is also not allowed to have sex with you.

None of these people are allowed to force or persuade you to have sex.

If they do, get help immediately.

I am a 14-year-old girl. Am I allowed to have sex?

When we say “sex”, we mean all contact in intimate areas.

In Germany, this is generally permitted before marriage.

But only when both people want to!

It is also ok if you don’t want to have sex.

In Germany, the law states that:

Forcing someone to have sex is prohibited.

Nobody is allowed to force you.

You are always allowed to say no.

You can also change your mind.

Maybe at first you wanted to have sex.

You do not always have to feel the same.

People do not always want to have sex.

Sometimes it’s nice and sometimes it isn‘t.

And that is ok.

You are still very young.

Think carefully about what you want.

In another section, you can see the precise age restrictions for sex.

Who can help me? I have been sexually abused.

There are many people in Germany who help young people.

They work in advice centres.

They can help in the event of violence.

They can help in the event of sexual abuse.

Advice is free of charge.

They will help you to decide what help you need.

Find them at:

http://www.zanzu.de/en/help

https://www.hilfeportal-missbrauch.de/nc/adressen/hilfe-in-ihrer-naehe/kartensuche.html?tx_nxshelpdesk_helpdesk[institutionType]=21

There are also advice centres for young refugees.

Unfortunately the website is only in German.

And often you have to make an appointment.

Ask someone if they can help you. Many have interpreters.

If they do not have interpreters, maybe you can take someone with you.

My cousin (male, 22 years old) touched me (female, 13 years old) between my legs. But I didn’t want him to. What happens if I tell someone?

Your cousin is not allowed to do that.

Nobody is allowed to touch you in your intimate areas.

Whether you are a girl or a boy.

You are too young.

That is not permitted in Germany.

When you are older, you are allowed to decide who touches you by yourself.

You should tell your carer.

They can get help for you.

So that it doesn’t happen again.

You can also get help at an advice centre.

Important:

You are not guilty.

You will not be punished.

Your cousin can be punished if you want him to be.

Then you must make a complaint to the police.

An advice centre can help you with that.

I am a 14-year-old boy. My carer wants to kiss me. I think that‘s disgusting. What should I do?

Your carer is not allowed to kiss you.

In Germany, people are not allowed to take advantage of vulnerable persons.

Vulnerable persons are:

People who need help and protection from another person.

So he has done something wrong and prohibited.

Tell him that you do not want to.

He must accept that.

If he continues, get help.

Tell another carer or your guardian.

If they do not believe you, look for someone else.

Until someone helps you.

Important:

Your feelings are ok.

You will not be punished.

You are allowed to say NO.

I have already had sex. And I received money for it. Is that prohibited?

If you are under 18:

Nobody is allowed to pay you for sex.

That ist prohibited in Germany.

But you haven’t done anything bad.

IMPORTANT: You will not be punished.

The people who had sex with you have behaved wrongly.

They can be punished.

You don’t have to do it anymore.

You can contact the police.

The police in Germany will help to ensure the people don’t do it anymore.

It is good to talk about it.

Then maybe things will be better for you.

Look for someone who you can tell.

Someone who will not think badly of you because of it.

There are also advice centres to help you:

For young men: http://www.marikas.de/

For young women: http://www.mimikry.net/

For everyone: http://www.jadwiga-online.de/kontakt.php

For women: http://www.solwodi.de/33.0.html?&L=0%3FkeepThis%3Dtrue

I am pregnant. And I want to have the child. What should I do now?

This is a big change for you.

You are allowed to decide what happens next.

That is a big responsibility.

But there are lots of people who can help you.

It is important that you take care of yourself.

That includes your health.

You should visit a gynaecologist.

They will examine you.

They will also give you tips on staying healthy.

For other questions there is a pregnancy advice centre.

The people there will help to answer your questions.

You can find one on this website:

http://www.zanzu.de/en/themes/being-pregnant

http://www.familienplanung.de/beratung/beratungsstellensuche/

You may need someone to help you search.

The website is currently only in German.

Maybe you can go there with an interpreter.