That is a very difficult situation.
Forcing people to get married
is prohibited in Germany.
You have several options:
You can try to talk to your family about it.
Your family might not realise that they are doing something illegal.
But they may not want to listen to you.
You can leave your family before the planned wedding.
You can get help.
But be careful! Do not tell anybody about your plans in advance.
You can always contact Wüstenrose.
The telephone number is 0 89 – 45 21 63 50.
The people who work there know about the support facilities available in Germany.
They will talk to you about what you can do now.
You do not have to give your name on the telephone.
Text from Wüstenrose (IMMA e.V.)
You can get married to your boyfriend.
Marriage is an official relationship before the law.
A registry office will confirm the relationship.
There are various regulations relating to marriage in Germany.
You are allowed to get married from the age of 18.
Sometimes you are allowed to get married from the age of 16:
But then your partner must be older than 18.
And the family court must agree.
You are only allowed to marry one person.
Multiple marriages are not permitted in Germany.
You are allowed to end your marriage at any time if you are unhappy.
That is called divorce.
You can find more information on this website: http://www.zanzu.de/de/scheidung-0
You are not allowed to marry anyone in your own family.
Even cousins do not marry cousins in Germany.
Children from these marriages can get hereditary diseases.
So it is not a good idea to marry your own relatives.
You do not have to get married!
You can get help if someone wants to force you.
The other option is:
You can get married by means of a religious ritual.
There are many different marriage rituals.
But in Germany these are not official according to the law.
It’s great that you both like each other so much.
Now your boyfriend wants to have sex with you.
He would like to touch your body and have an orgasm with you.
That is ok.
But you don’t want to.
That is completely ok.
Two people who like each other don’t always want the same things.
Tell him that you love him.
But you still don’t want to have sex with him.
He might be disappointed and think that you don’t love him.
Make it clear to him that you still need more time.
Sex is fun when both people want it.
But it is not good to have sex only because someone else wants it.
He might wait until you want to have sex too.
He might try to persuade you.
He might even leave you.
But sex does not guarantee that he will stay with you forever.
So it is important that you look out for YOURSELF.
It is important to know what YOU want and what is good for YOU.
We are 3 women.
Two of us were born in Germany.
One arrived here as a refugee many years ago.
We work together in a social institution.
Our institution is called AMYNA.
7 other women also work there.
People who work in a social institution want to help other people.
The main objective of our institution
is to protect girls and boys from sexual violence.
We aim to provide help before something happens.
We inform other adults about many important issues.
And we answer lots of questions for girls and boys on this website.
But if something bad does happen to you,
we can also show you where to find help!
Click on this link: https://refu-tips.de/en/category/help-hilfe-en/
You were probably thrilled to get a smartphone.
You probably thanked him for the gift.
A gift does not commit you to anything else.
A gift should make the other person happy.
Your godfather will be pleased if you show how happy you are.
Sometimes you might not be happy about a gift.
Perhaps you don’t need it or it’s not right or you don’t like it.
However you should still say thank you.
You know that the other person meant well.
Hugging and kissing has nothing to do with the gift.
It’s right to say that you don’t like it.
Say something like: I like you.
But I don’t like hugging and kissing.
Please understand that. It’s important to me.
Your godfather should understand and respect that.
If not, get help from another adult.
How do you get to know girls in Germany?
At school, playing sports, in clubs and discos and at parties.
Friends introduce you.
Girls and boys want to have fun.
They might dress differently to what you are familiar with.
That is ok here.
It does not mean they are bad.
They deserve respect.
Even if they wear revealing clothes, they still don’t want to be touched.
They want to talk to you a lot.
Most boys and girls are cautious with each other.
They see whether they get on.
Then they fall in love.
They only kiss when both of them want to.
Being in love is nice.
You want to spend a lot of time with her.
You want to tell her that you like her.
And that is good and ok!
But sometimes you think it’s going very slowly.
Maybe she likes you.
Maybe she isn’t sure.
Maybe she doesn’t love you.
The wishes of the other person are very important.
You are always allowed to say what you want.
You are allowed to express your feelings.
Ask the girl what she wants.
She is also allowed to say what she feels and what she wants.
You are not allowed to touch or kiss her if she doesn’t want to.
But she is also not allowed to touch or kiss you if you don’t want to.
He may feel sad.
And you might think it’s a pity.
Maybe you are even friends.
But you are allowed to be honest.
You are allowed to clearly say:
“I don’t love you.”
Sometimes feelings change.
Maybe you used to be in love.
But you are no longer in love.
That is also ok!
You do not have to do anything that you do not want to do any more.
Maybe your acquaintance is sad or angry.
But he must take what you say into account.
He must accept that your feelings have changed.
Feelings cannot be forced.
There are two main things to consider:
Your age and your relationship to the person you are having sex with.
This table shows the ages at which sex is permitted and prohibited:
Both people must want to have sex.
If one person doesn’t want to have sex, sex is prohibited.
Nobody is allowed to force you to have sex.
Do you live in a residential home?
You are not allowed to have sex under the age of 16.
Sex is prohibited between the following people:
- Parents and children
- Step parents and children
- Male or female teachers with male or female pupils
- Male or female carers with young people in a residential home or youth facility
- On a training course, at work or on an internship, your male or female tutor is not allowed to have sex with you.
- If you are living in a family as a foster child, your foster parents are not allowed to have sex with you.
- Your legal guardian is also not allowed to have sex with you.
None of these people are allowed to force or persuade you to have sex.
If they do, get help immediately.
When we say “sex”, we mean all contact in intimate areas.
In Germany, this is generally permitted before marriage.
But only when both people want to!
It is also ok if you don’t want to have sex.
In Germany, the law states that:
Forcing someone to have sex is prohibited.
Nobody is allowed to force you.
You are always allowed to say no.
You can also change your mind.
Maybe at first you wanted to have sex.
You do not always have to feel the same.
People do not always want to have sex.
Sometimes it’s nice and sometimes it isn‘t.
And that is ok.
You are still very young.
Think carefully about what you want.
In another section, you can see the precise age restrictions for sex.