Welcome to www.refu-tips.de

This website is designed for underage girls and boys.

But you should be at least 13 years old.

We will have new information for you regularly.

So visit our website often.

 

You would like to feel at home in Germany.

So you need to know the rules.

And you need to learn a few things.

We want to help you do this.

 

Maybe we are too direct for you.

Maybe you find something embarrassing.

Something we write.

We do not mean to cause any harm.

We apologise in advance.

But it is important that you also know about embarrassing subjects.

 

You should feel comfortable and safe in Germany.

We want to help you feel that way.

I am a 16-year-old boy and a friend told me that in Germany you can touch girls on the bottom and not be punished. Is that true?

No, that’s not true.
A new law was passed in November 2016.
Perhaps your friend doesn’t know that yet.

The law now says:
Nobody is allowed to touch another person on the body “in a sexual way” if they do not want to be touched.
“In a sexual way” means:
The touch has something to do with sex.
Or the touch is in an intimate area.
For example, on the bottom, the breasts or between the legs.
This is also called “sexual harassment”.

Everyone is allowed to decide for themselves how they are touched.
And everyone is allowed to decide for themselves where they are touched.
That is called “sexual self-determination”
That is a right for all people.
Anyone who infringes that right can be punished.

I am a 16-year-old boy and I have to watch my sisters to make sure they don’t go out with boys. They have to behave virtuously in public. This is a matter of honour in my family. My parents say that I am responsible. It’s often exhausting. What can I do?

Watching your sisters is very tiring and a great responsibility.
And it is very unpleasant for your sisters.
It means that they are not free to live and enjoy their own life.

Honour is very important in many families.
Think about what honour means for your family and you.
And what is really important to YOU?
What will you do when your sister meets a boy?
Unfortunately there are some families who may hurt girls because of this.
They also say that this is a matter of honour.
But honour should not mean violence.

Other boys have already refused to do this in the name of honour.
They say that “honour is fighting for my sister’s freedom”.
That is also honour.
It might still be difficult for you to think that way.
You might need support from other boys.
You can speak to boys who think differently about honour.
They might be able to help you decide what honour is for you.
Find them here:
www.heroes-net.de (in many large towns and cities)
http://www.aufbruch-neukoelln.de/

I am a 15-year-old boy and my friends go into town to harass and touch girls for fun. I don’t want to take part. What should I do?

Your friends are not playing a game.
What they are doing is prohibited in Germany.
Your friends can even be punished.

Girls and women in Germany have the same rights as boys and men.
They should not be harassed.
Nobody is allowed to touch them if they don’t want to be touched.
Nobody is allowed to frighten or hurt them.

You should not go with your friends.
If you are there you can also be punished.
Even if you do not harass a girl yourself.

Your friends may pressure you to go.
They want you to be there.
And you want to have friends.
You need a lot of courage to say NO.

Ask an adult to help you.
They might have an idea what you can do in response to the pressure from your friends.
Committing a criminal offence can have bad consequences for your future.

I am a 13-year-old girl and at home it was common for boys to harass and touch women. Now it’s the same here. I’m ashamed. Who can help me?

What these boys are doing is prohibited in Germany.
You should not be ashamed.
What these boys are doing can be punished.

Girls and women in Germany have the same rights as boys and men.
Nobody is allowed to harass you.
Nobody is allowed to touch you against your will.
Nobody is allowed to frighten you or hurt you.

Get help.
Tell your teacher about it.
Or someone else you trust.

You can learn how to react to foolish advances.
There are courses where you can practice this with other people.
You will learn how strong you are.
You will learn when you should run away.
You will learn what you can say.
You will learn who can help you.
You can take a course with a friend.
Your teacher can tell you where you can take a course.
You can also ask the school therapist or social worker at school.

You are not doing anything wrong.
The boys are responsible for their behaviour and must change.

Can you get pregnant from kissing?

No, you can’t get pregnant from kissing!
You can only get pregnant when sperm cells get inside or very close to the vagina.
I.e. when you have sex.
Even if the penis is only briefly inside the vagina.
Sperm cells come out of the penis.
These sperm cells can fertilise a woman’s egg cells.
You can also get pregnant during your period!
If you don’t want to get pregnant, you should always use protection.

There are a number of different types of protection.
You can get information about types of protection from the doctor or at an advice centre.
You can buy condoms in supermarkets and pharmacies.
They are safe and also protect you from diseases.
The pill, the contraceptive coil and the vaginal ring are types of protection which use hormones.
They must be prescribed by the doctor.

In “emergencies” you can buy the “morning after pill” from a pharmacy.
An “emergency” is when you have not used contraception or when there was an accident with the contraception.
The “morning after pill” must be taken within three days of having unprotected sex.

Text: pro familia München e.V.

I am a 13-year-old girl. My entire body is changing. Is that normal?

You’re worried because your body is changing.
But that is completely normal.
The bodies of all girls and boys change as they grow up.

This is what will happen over the next few years:
You will now produce sex hormones in your body.
Hormones give new information to your body.
They tell your body what needs to change.
This time of change is called “puberty”.

Hair will grow under your arms and in your pubic area.
You will sweat more frequently.
You may get spots on your face and back.
Your hair will become oilier and should be washed more often.
You will get your period.
Your breasts will start to grow.
Your nipples will become larger and darker.

These hormones will also make you feel very strong emotions.
Sometimes you will feel very sad, sometimes very angry and sometimes very happy.
That is all part of puberty.

My friend told me that he ejaculated. What does that mean?

Boys and men can ejaculate.

That means that fluid comes out of the penis.
This sometimes happens during sleep.
Or when a boy or a man rubs and strokes his penis.
And it happens mostly when a man has sex with someone else.

The boy or man will experience a great feeling when he ejaculates.
That great feeling is called an orgasm.
Most fluid comes out of the penis at the moment of orgasm.
Some fluid may also come out of the penis before orgasm.
From puberty, this fluid contains sperm.

Sperm can become a baby together with an egg.
The egg is found in the woman’s -> womb.
The penis sometimes enters the woman’s womb during sex.

Ejaculation is not bad.
Men and boys experience it as a good feeling.
Most boys and men ejaculate a lot during their lifetime.
Men should always use a -> condom to avoid “accidentally” making a baby.
A condom also protects men and women from contracting certain diseases.

My parents taught me that a good woman should marry a man. Then she can have children. But I don’t want to get married. Am I a good woman?

In Germany, people live together in many different ways.
Here are a few examples:
Some men and women are married and have children.
Some men and women have children and are NOT married.
Some men and women are married and have NO children.

Some couples are separated or divorced.
That means that they have ended their relationship.
Some of these couples have children.
The children might then live with their mother or their father.

Some men and women are homosexual.
They might be in a relationship with a person of the same gender.
Some people live in shared accommodation.
That means that they live together but are not in a relationship or a family.
Lots of men and women also live alone when they are adults.

Everyone can decide how they want to live.
All of these options are permitted in Germany.
Nobody in these examples is good or bad.
And nobody may be discriminated against or prosecuted for this behaviour.
It’s okay if you don’t want to get married.
You are not a bad woman.

My friend and I are 17 years old. She told me that she is in love with a girl. I don’t know what to think. How should I behave?

Behave just as you did before.
She is in love with someone of the same gender.

If you are in love with someone of a different gender, that is called heterosexual.
If you are in love with someone of the same gender, that is called homosexual.
Homosexual girls are also called lesbian.
Homosexual boys are also called gay.
Nobody can choose how they feel.
Some people fall in love with people of either gender.
If you are sometimes homosexual and sometimes heterosexual, that is called bisexual.
This is completely normal.
There are many different ways to be together with someone.
But unfortunately, not all of them are accepted in some countries.

Many girls and boys find it difficult to be homosexual.
Your friend probably finds it difficult to tell people.
That needs a lot of courage.
That shows that your friend trusts you.

You may not be able to understand why she is in love with a girl.
You don’t have to understand.
What’s important is that your friend is still the same person.
You might be afraid that she is in love with you.
But that usually isn’t true.
You can still be friends as normal.
You can listen to her and have fun with her.
Your friend will hopefully remain your friend.
It’s great to have a good friend.

I am a 16-year-old girl and I have already had sex and am no longer a virgin. In my family this is considered a violation of honour. I’m frightened of my family finding out. What can I do?

This must be a very worrying situation for you.
It is therefore important that you understand
that honour has different meanings in different cultures.

In Germany, a person might be considered dishonourable
if they do not respect the laws and regulations
or if they hit or rape women and children.
It can be honourable to help someone when they need help and protection.

In some cultures people understand honour differently.
Sometimes honour means that a girl should remain a virgin until marriage.
Or that girls and boys should marry a person chosen by their families.
But these decisions should be made by you alone.
It is your personal right!
Nobody is allowed to violate your rights.

You can get help if your family thinks otherwise and puts you under pressure.
It is not ok for your family to pressure you about your virginity.
You can get help via these websites:

http://www.scheherazade-hilft.de/

http://www.imma.de/einrichtungen/fachstelle-zwangsheirat/kontakt.html

https://profamilia.sextra.de/pages/sextra/beratung/onlineberatung/fragen/

http://www.fpz-berlin.de/